


Shadow of your Heart

by RedglareVantas (xanemarths)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, At the rate this is going, Blind AU, Codependency, Hurt/Comfort, Jean thinks he's going crazy and there's no one to tell him otherwise, M/M, Unrequited Love, alive!Marco, blind!Jean, but they're both fucking babies, like a fuckton of both probably, probably anyway, that is actually fully requited, who are afraid of emotions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-05
Updated: 2014-09-05
Packaged: 2018-02-16 06:42:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2259786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanemarths/pseuds/RedglareVantas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shortly after Trost, an accident occurred, leaving Jean totally blind in both eyes. Though many would have cast him away as useless, he was still recognized for his skill, and a compromise was reached - he would be allowed to stay in the Survey Corps, as long as he always had an assistant to serve as his eyes.</p>
<p>It's a very familiar voice that greets Jean every day, directs him, cares for him, but it's also very painful to hear.</p>
<p>It's the sound of his best friend's voice.</p>
<p>His best friend, who he had seen lying dead on the streets of Trost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shadow of your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse for this other than really desperately wanting to write a blind AU??? Hahaha let's just make this gut wrenching as possible while we're at it.
> 
> There are way too many italics in the following text.
> 
> Also I had to write the quotes from memory, for the most part, so if I accidentally messed up on the lines I apologize.

_A falling star fell from your heart, and landed in my eyes.  
I screamed aloud as it tore through them, and now it’s left me blind._

_________________________________________________________________________ 

Tap, tap, tap.  
 _Walking through the shattered remains of Trost- his birthplace, his home, in ruins because of the titan attack only days before._

Hands shifted, gripping tightly at his knees in an effort to stay still.  
 _Sudden pain. Incredible, blinding light, and then nothing at all._

It proved no use, his foot continuing to beat rhythmically on the hard wood of the floor. Tap, tap, tap...  
 _It took hours for anyone to come, hours for them to find him, clutching at his face and writhing on the ground, still sobbing in agony from the pain, and from the fact that no matter where he looked, all he saw was black.  
Hours for him to realize that he was not dead._

His face hardened into a scowl, squeezing tighter, still beating out that same pattern.  
 _“We’re sorry, Mr. Kirschtein, but as far as we can tell, the vision in both of your eyes has been permanently destroyed.”_

His leg kicked out at nothing, scuffing over the floor as he let out a muffled scream in frustration. All those years of training, of working, all of his effort and skill and determination, his vow to join the Survey Corps and work for humanity, wasted. And for what?

To be told he had done a good job, but then be sent back home and forgotten? To waste away, useless to society, everything he had ever been good at gone? After all, he would be useless to them blind. A burden. A dead weight. Something that would slow them down, leave them vulnerable to titan attacks.

A failure…  
“Kirschtein?”

He didn’t even look up at the sound of his name, nor did he even move to acknowledge the voice, far too bitter to care. What good would it do him, anyway? He knew who it was, and he couldn’t see him, anyway. It didn’t matter.

“Years of training, and yet you refuse to move to salute a superior…?”

At that, he lept to his feet, and for a moment, the old fire resurfaced in now dull and cloudy hazel eyes. “We both know I’m not a fucking soldier anymore, and I can’t ever be one now! Just let me accept that, without any of the ‘you did your duty as long as you could, we appreciate that, so we’re going to make you feel better by treating you like you’re still one of us’ bullshit! I’m not, and I know it!”

He couldn’t see to read the man’s expression, couldn’t tell what he was thinking or how he reacted to the words. He wished it was something bitter. Some anger, some regret, that something he said got to the man.  
That wasn’t what he got in reply.

“On the contrary. You are - note I say are, and not were - a valuable asset. You were chosen as one of the top ten, as one of the few cadets eligible for the Military Police. And yet you instead chose to join the Survey Corps.”  
It hadn’t ever been his intention. It had been a promise, a decision made in memory of-

“Despite your current physical handicap, you still have shown great skill. You helped many of the cadets arrive back to the wall, and were able to lead a group to hold off the titans during the battle.”  
None of which he would have been able to do without help, without motivation. The fire rapidly died once again, leaving his eyes blank, dull, weary. Where was all this leading to?

“Now, it is true that blindness is, under any circumstances, heavily restricting. But I reviewed your case in particular, and I believe that you will still prove to be a useful, capable member of the Survey Corps.”

This had to be a nightmare. He was dreaming all of this. He had to be, had to have imagined it all.  
But if he was dreaming, why was everything still black…?

Didn’t he understand? Staying would be worse than leaving, wouldn’t it? He couldn’t see. He’d slow down everyone around him because of his inability to see, and he’d leave them stranded and vulnerable to attack. He’d get tangled, or fall, and they would refuse to leave him behind, and more people would die because of his ineptitude. Because of his weakness.

“Of course, sending you out alone would prove incredibly foolish. Skilled as you are, you wouldn’t last long.” There was the sound of footsteps, as though the speaker had started pacing. “We decided to have someone act as your eyes, as someone who could see for you and direct you on the field of battle. Of course, everything else would be entirely your skill- they would merely serve as your guide.”  
Great. Someone who would be in charge of him, babying him every step of the way. Humiliating, and dangerous. What if they deliberately lured him into an attack, anyway?

“Now, this will not only test if we can further incorporate those previously deemed disabled and thus worthless as fighters, but will also test new gear. Two person three dimensional maneuvering gear, to be exact, as your partner will have to stay with you at all times.”  
Another choking surge of fear; if he failed, it would lead to two deaths, wouldn’t it? And the utter codependency…

For a moment, he caught himself wondering why he had been so reluctant to leave.  
Maybe he just wanted it all to end.

“Now, this required a special partnership. It took a while to find the right person, but I believe we found our man.” The footsteps stopped, directly in front of him, not that he ever cared. It didn’t matter where his eyes were. He was blind, remember? “Now, unfortunately, he currently belongs to a different branch of the military, but when we told him of your misfortune, he readily volunteered to help you. The paperwork has been set in motion for him to join the Survey Corps, and though it will take a while for it all to be finalized, I believe he will be heading over here tonight.”

At least it wasn’t someone he knew, he thought, bitterly. But at the same time, it wasn’t anyone he knew. They had probably found a random, older member in the Stationary Guard, brought him over, didn’t even try to match him well. At least if it had been someone he trained with, he’d have known them, and could probably be in sync with them.  
But then, if he knew them, he’d be all the more devastated when he failed them and killed them both.

“What if I don’t want to?”

There was barely a pause before the answer. “If you would rather be discharged from service, that can still be arranged. But it would be quite the shame. You have much potential as a leader-”

That word.

_“You’re a natural leader.”_

“I’m not. I swear I’m not. And if that’s the only reason you’re keeping me around, you might as well discharge me now.”

With that, he spun around, exiting the building, stomping all the way back to his quarters. Even without the use of his eyes, he knew the path too well, able to walk on memory alone. A few stumbles and near accidents as he walked, but he managed to make it through the door to find his bunk, sprawling out across it.

_“You’re not a strong person.”_  
Obviously.

_“You can relate to how the weak feel.”_  
Maybe.

_“That’s what makes you a natural leader.”_  
“I’m not.”

_You were supposed to be my leader…_

_Almost deserted streets, still in ruins, ashes flying. They were only just recovering from the titan attacks, only just starting to clear away the bodies.  
He had been out there, searching all day. Trying to help with cleanup in any way that he could._

“Jean?”

_There was so much death, so much blood, so many bodies. It was overwhelming, really. A gross sense of loss, wondering how this could be a victory when it cost so much life…_

“Jean?”

_And then, one body, lying against the wall, missing half of his face and torso, the eerily dead calm around it, and the sudden realization of what exactly the battle had cost._

_‘It’s because of you I was able to fight!”  
And it was because of me you died._

_Best friend._  
Best friend maybe more but he had never realized it until he saw him lying there, dead, and it was too late for anything.  
The one person who meant the world to him, who had always supported him. Who he never could have imagined would mean so much, not until he was gone, and he lost that support.  
Oh, if only he had told him... 

“Jean!”

“Stop teasing me with his voice,” he mumbled, burying his face into the nearest pillow. A hand reached out, gently grasping at his shoulder, and he lashed out, wildly. He had been far too deep in thought to hear the door open, and he was sure the room was empty when he came in, even if he couldn’t see-

“Jean! It’s me! Calm down!”

Jean ceased thrashing instantly, as hands came to clutch at his arms, keeping him still. It was such a familiar voice, so painfully fresh and ingrained into his brain…  
“Mar...co?”

Blind eyes darted wildly, trying to see something, anything that could have denied his suspicions, trying to see even though ruined far beyond the capability to do so. Two thumbs rubbed over his shoulders, tracing smooth circular patterns. “I’m here.”  
So familiar, yet so, so heart wrenching...

“You’re supposed to be _dead_ …”


End file.
